It's such a beautiful time of year...I'm continually amazed at the brilliant shades nature creates during autumn. One year I am going to pick a leaf from a tree, the same tree, each day, during the entire season. Wouldn't it be beautiful to track the subtle changes in color? I'm sure scientists have done a similar experiment(s), but that takes all the fun out of it. I'm not going to poke, prod, or otherwise adulterate them under a micsoscope. No, I'm just going put them in a scrapbook, or maybe line them horizontally and make a border for one of my rooms - that could be fun. Oh, ideas, ideas...
Anyways, I bring up changing colors because it reminds me of the many shades that I myself am, and the many shadows I cast, depending on what lighting I have. I will begin with a quote (since I'm such a quote whore):
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." - Anais Nin
Have you ever noticed that you are a different person with each person you come into contact with? Well, not an entirely different being; rather, a different shade, or hue, of yourself.
I've certainly noticed that. The Rachel I am when around Mom is different from the Rachel I am around my high school friends, which in turn is different from the Rachel I am around my college friends. I may be outgoing, witty, serious, political, goofy...all depending on who I am with.
What most fascinates me, however, is the many shades of Rachel that come out - or have come out - during different relationships or dates I've had. With some guys, I became intimidated, self-conscious, and/or stupid. I felt like a little girl. Yet with other guys, I became this sophisticated, intelligent and witty woman. It's almost like I radiate this unique color - let's say periwinkle (it's fun to spell and say) - and everyone else has a unique color as well. When we come into contact with each other...a new color arises...a new you is born.
Sometimes I get frustrated. I'll be hanging out with a guy and I'll think "No, no no...I don't like the Rachel that I become when I am with him. It just doesn't feel like...me."
I guess what I search for...is someone whose color, whose personality, will compliment mine. If I'm blue; I don't want brown...I want green, or perhaps a lavender, or pink...something that will go well with me.
I search for someone who, when I'm in their presence, when we're interacting, I think, "Yes, this is me. This is the Rachel I am." I want someone who underestands me, and makes me feel like I can be myself, that I can feel at home.
It's kind of like those shape games when you were little, you know the ones where you have certain shapes (triangle, square, etc.) and you have to fit them into certain holes that are those same shapes cut out. Well, I'm a heart shaped toy, looking for the right hole. Try as I might to date a square or a triangle, it will never work out; the fit is too awkward. I need a heart-shaped hole, so that I can snugly fall into the hole - and his arms.
So, that's my two cents for the day. Though, could I have those two cents back? Thanks *puts them in piggy bank* I sure need all the extra change I can get right now.
