So I, along with approximately 80% of the population (I conducted an informal survey, highly professional though) decided to make “lose weight and get in shape” as one of my new year’s resolutions. Cliché? Yes. Will it last? We’ll see – I hope so. My college diet of pizza, pasta, beer and soft serve ice cream finally caught up to me this past year, and while I’m by no means a big person, I did have to retire my favorite pair of jeans because, frankly, I can’t zip them up anymore. And let me tell you, this is a girl’s worst nightmare. (It’s a close tie with breaking the heel of your favorite shoe or finding out your ex’s new girlfriend is, in fact – gulp – stunningly gorgeous and overwhelmingly sweet. Cut the nice act, darlin’, you ain’t foolin’ me, even if you’re fooling him!)
I decided to mix up my workout routine by trying out a couple group classes at Lifetime Fitness. Today, I attended one called “The Mixx” – a blend of aerobic kickboxing and hip-hop dancing. I figured, “Hey, I was a gymnast for many years. I did aerobics – or, I kicked ass at aerobics, if I do say so myself – all four years at college…therefore, how hard could this class be? It’ll be fun.”
Ha.
First off, the instructor, Natalie (I’m going to be unprofessional and unethical by using her real first name. Go ahead and sue me but this isn’t exactly Time Magazine or The Chicago Tribune.)
Her voice stays perpetually bubbly and upbeat throughout the entire hour-long session. At first, this annoys me. The obnoxious optimism, the “you can do it!” attitude - I mean, c’mon, no one can be that excited about working out (and if she is, please go get me a refill of whatever energizer happy pills she seduced her pharmacist/therapist/doctor into giving her.) Yet, her voice also amazes me…how can it sound so natural, so smooth, so effortless, as if it were spilling out of her lips like a tipped glass of milk? How come it’s not wheezing and breathy, like mine? Oh, right, that’s because she’s actually in good cardiovascular shape, unlike me. I almost envy her. Almost.
Secondly, I must comment on the “hip-hop” dance portion of the class. I was bad. I mean, real bad. Little old granny-in-her-eighties-gear to the left of me had more “hip” in her “hop” than I did. The gyrating butt move, the waving of the arms like a helicopter while thrusting my hips…I felt like a drunk robot, or The Tin Man in dire need of some freakin' oil. Shakira’s hips don’t lie, and apparently mine don’t either: I can’t dance.
Whoever said gymnastics and dancing were related are dirty liars. They are not related. Gymnastics dancing is concise, structured, mechanical. It’s the busy work that we have to do in between the cool stuff – the flipping, the twisting, the oh-my-god-did-you-see-what-she-just-did moves. However, that’s not entirely true, I did enjoy some of the dancing. But it certainly didn’t involve any moves reminiscent of a Ludacris video. If I had to shake my moneymaker…I think only three pennies would fall out - maybe four on a good day.
So, maybe a profession as a stripper isn’t in my future…but, I was always more of a pole-dancer fan anyways. It’s more related to gymnastics; it’s suits my style. I wonder if Lifetime offers any pole-dancing classes…hmmm... :)
Well, that's all folks. I gotta go to bed now that I have a big girl job, boo to that! Goodnight.
