Job Application

First off, I want to announce that I have not died - nor has my blog. My leech of a job has literally sucked all the creative blood out of me. My job is stressful, frustrating, mundane, routine, objective...I'm gone 10 hours a day, leaving me little time or energy to devote to writing. However, I recently put in my notice and will be done by the end of September. I can talk details another time, soon...for now, I wanted to at least post something...anything.

This blog birthed from the fact that many recent graduates that I know are looking for jobs. In addition, lots of people I know are either currently dating, or actively looking for that "special someone." When you think about it, dating is a lot like having a job. Van Wilder once said first dates are interviews. Also, you can: quit a job (be the dumper); get fired/laid off (be the dumpee), be promoted (get engaged/married)...or be demoted ("let's just be friends"). While job applicants often have to go through strenuous interviews, applications and background checks, dating canditates do not. Dating is a gamble, because you never really know who you are dating until many months into dating. After all, skeletons don't crawl out of the closet on their own. Neither does family drama, or mental illness. I decided to write a humorous job application for dating. Keep in mind I haven't written in awhile, so please be gentle :)

For which position are you applying? (check only one)

___ Long-term relationship

___ Open relationship

___ Short-term fling

___ Fuck Buddy

___ One night stand


(P.S. Smokers, college dropouts, alcoholics and those with ego complexes need not apply.)


Why are you interested in this position?




What qualities (physical, mental, emotional, sexual) do you feel you have to offer me?





Tell me about the current relationship dynamic with your most recent ex-girlfriend. You are:

a) on good terms with her and still keep in touch
b) on fair terms but rarely talk
c) presently engaging in the art of “ex sex”
d) still unable to talk about her without 1) swearing incessantly, or 2) crying uncontrollably
e) legally unable to be within a certain radius of her


Tell me about your relationship with your family. You:
a) have a very positive relationship with them and actively keep in touch
b) have your share of arguments and drama, but generally things are fine
c) prefer to keep contact on a “holidays-only” basis
d) will only see them while heavily medicated (alcohol, pot, anti-depressants)
e) pay weekly visits to a professional because of them


Have you ever been convicted of a crime? If yes, please describe:







How many sexual partners have you had?
a) 0, by choice
b) 0, not by choice…
c) 1-3
d) 4-7
e) 8-10
f) unable to calculate an exact number…


Which celebrity best represents your appearance, style and personality?

a) Brad Pitt
b) George Clooney
c) Justin Timberlake
d) Ben Stiller
e) Kevin Federline
f) Flava Flaaaavvvvv

Which female physical attribute is most important?
a) ass
b) boobs
c) smile
d) eyes
e) I picked c or d in order to not appear like a douchebag

How often do you work out?
a) daily
b) a few times a week
c) a few times a month
d) Does sex count?
e) Do keg stands count?

Have you ever been in love?
a) absolutely
b) I think so, but I’m not sure
c) Not yet
d) She was Brazilian, or Chinese, or something weird. I met her in the bathroom of a K-Mart and we made out for hours. Then we parted ways, never to see each other again.

Which best describes the condition of your car?
a) new, top-of-the-line
b) a few scratches, but generally in good shape
c) multiple dents, scratches, paint chippings...“but it adds character”
d) always consult with my Magic 8 Ball before risking a drive on the road. It's only been wrong once. Or twice.
e) nonexistent; I rely on public transportation or friends


What’s the most romantic thing you have ever done?
a) surprised a girl with a romantic vacation
b) wrote her a song/poem
c) bought her flowers and a card for no reason at all
d) brushed your teeth before kissing her
e) gave her your last beer in the fridge

What’s your idea of a great date?
a) dinner and a movie
b) doing something adventurous or fun (amusement park, bowling, rock-climbing, etc.)
c) cuddling up to a DVD at home
d) any that end in "Would you like to come back to my place?"

What are your feelings towards commitment?
a) I’m Mr. Commitment; I love being devoted to one woman
b) I will commit if my feelings are strong enough
c) I’m too picky and set impossible standards that no woman can meet
d) Commitment is selfish; I think everyone deserves a piece of me (like Jesus bread!)
e) I’m allergic to it…

Please list the names and contacts of three references. In particular, I will need:
1) an ex-girlfriend
2) a platonic female friend
3) your mother

Thank you for applying.